
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/670664.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      F/M, M/M
  Fandom:
      Harry_Potter_-_J._K._Rowling
  Relationship:
      Hermione_Granger/Draco_Malfoy, Harry_Potter/Charlie_Weasley
  Character:
      Merry_Sue, Mary_Sue_-_Character, Hermione_Granger, Draco_Malfoy, Harry
      Potter, Charlie_Weasley
  Additional Tags:
      References_to_Incest, Crack, Parody
  Series:
      Part 11 of Firewhiskey_Drunken_Fics
  Stats:
      Published: 2013-02-04 Words: 2720
****** Firewhiskey Fic: Fine Young Trollop ******
by UnseenLibrarian
Summary
     Merry P. Sue thinks her Trolls need looking after. Hermione shows her
     differently. A January 2013 Firewhiskey Fic entry - - no betas
     allowed - drunken misspellings are part of the charm!
Notes
     For Firewhiskey Fics, no betas, autocorrect, or spell-checking are
     allowed!
     Prompt Challenge: Trolls/Mary Sues
     Word count: Well, around 2750
     Author's Notes: Hi. This goes out to all those people at the LJ comm
     "pottersues".
     A Winner: Won the "BEST USE OF PROMPT" award at the LJ January 2013
     FirewhiskeyFic Fest.
     I REPEAT: For Firewhiskey Fics, no betas, autocorrect, or spell-
     checking are allowed!
See the end of the work for more notes
===============================================================================
"SO WHAT?" Merry P. Sue got off the Floo call, shaking her head of golden
chestnut hair. "Honestly, you'd think we could afford to find some decent
Magical Creature authorities these days, bnow that Vodielmrt is gone and so
forth! But Honestly, I just don't get it.":
Merry batted her purple eyeslashes at herself in the mirror. "I must do
sometrhing with my hair, but I just don't knw what! My locks are long and lush
and just so beautifuly wild, I can't do a THINK with them!":
She picked up her ebony wan d woith the unicorn heartstring inside. It was 12
inches long and oh-so-springy, pergfect for Charms work. Because Merry was oh-
so-charming. Everyone loved Merry.
Merry was SO charming, in fact, that she'd decided to be also giving and loving
and carin g and do some good in the world. She was one of the other Hufflebuff
woken women from Harry's Potter's year, burt since Hannah Abbott and Susan
Bones had stomelen te spotlight, Merry had been overshadowed. But she had such
a big hard she didn't really care. Heart, I eamn. A Hard heart? No, no, that
wasn't Merry. She loved everyone. She was such a Puff.
She was also a fuicking Ho, but really, who really knew that? She was a Ho-
full-Puff, really. She loved sex, and fuicking, and since she loved everoyne
and was a Puff, anyway, she thought she might aass well make some use out of
her House's reputation for being a good friend and ahard worker. She'd put the
two traist to gerther along with her Nymphomaina (a sad side effect of lifing
with her horrible uncles and aunt for the first 16 years of her life. The
undles were identical twins and the aunt was their wife and sister, and they'd
all lived in the back back back woods of Arkansas. Merry had been given to them
by the state (which was also made of inbred idiots) when her parents, - long
lost distant cousins of THE Harry Potter – died in a friek blimp accident at a
football stadium.
Anywho, the Uncles (twins – and did I meanti,m that they were conjoined twins?
They shared a penis.) Uncle Ben and Uncle Ned they were called. Why, she didn't
now. They were married to their , Whos' name was Pat. Pat's sexual status was
acutall;y never really certain to Merry. Pat was rather androgeouns but anyway,
she sure jewnew kew what to do with the shared, mosntrostousely of a dick that
her Uncle Husbands had. It was twice the size of a normal pecnise, but since
they couldn't be3 selarapte separated (the blook looss woud kiddlll them, and
the twin Uncles were the breadwinners of the familby) they had to stick
together. When they wanted congugla relations – wich was all the time – they'd
call in Pat, and also Merry.
Merry found she really liked her Uncles' penis, so she didn't mind the
incestuas fuckitude of the situation. Then, at 11 years old, she got The Call,
and went to Gogwarts School of Wichdracgvr and Wisardfucklery. She'd gone with
great bleee, thinkning ot woud be nice to make some friends her own age and
maybe not have to suck in giagantic penises for a while. It all wasgreat, she'd
made firend,s doen deceneltyy en ough in her clases, but then she felt lonely
because Erniy and Justinf FF and Zacharias only wanted to play with Hanna and
Susan. What about Merry? She cryied a lot.
Then Merry met Hagrid. Who had a dick the size of her Aunt Pat, and Merry din't
cry anymore. She was os happy, her first herar year was going wonderfully well.
THEN, there was that poor Troll that had gotten caught in the dungeon. That
stupid Hermione Granger and that Ronald Weasley and her cousing Harry Potter
)whi didn't lnonw he was her cousin, but she thought he was kidna cute so sie
didn't want to tell him tey were related, in case f he secieded she was cute,
too, and they started fu king. He might not like incest.)
ANYWAY, wne the Troll was left alone for a few miuntues after Hermione and Ron
and Harry were shoode away by the professors, Merry stole into the girls'
bathroom it had desrupyed and helped it felel better, by sucking on its dick
and helping it find Its Happy Place.
Troll Jizz looks a lot like Troll Boogies, but there's moire of it.
That started Merry's life long lonve avfair with . she knew they wre just
mistunderstood cratures, who cares if they smelled like a sewer? Her Siamese
twin Uncles had smelled ,like dried Smegma most of the time, esp. when she or
her Autn hadn't had a chance to suck them off in a while. Anway, so she makde
rfriends with everyuone in school who wasn't part of the orignal canon
storyline, especially the pople who had money in their families, and raied
enough money in donations and in payment for Tricks to establish the
"MERRY POTTER SUE'S TROLL SANCTUARY"
Or, "The Trollop's Sanc", for shurt.
At the Sanc, she housed many poor, downtrodden, sex-deprived Trolls, all of
whom where perfectly nice creatures if they got a blowjob every day. Come to
think if it, that's like most men, isn't it.
Merry's musings were interruledpte by the tincling of the stupid little bell
next to the Floo. She wiggled her way over to the Floo to answer it, her tight,
musclay Arse encased in the blue demnim of a short skirt, pergeectly
appropriate for a Trollop on the make, but completely unappropriate for mucking
out the Troll's Stalls.
She hoped that this call was the one she'd been waiting for.
"Helloopo?" she trilled in her hertstoppingly lovely fvoice.
"Hello? Who is thi? Is this Merry P. Sue?" a crackly foice acompanied the face
in her fire.
Poo. It was that Hermione Granger. The girl wh[d befriended her coussin Harry
afte the t Troll TRoilet inciendt, and had kept Her, Merry, from getting close
to him ever since. Drat.
"Yes, this is she. Who are you, may I ask?"
"You just did, you silly witch. I am Hermione Granger, Head of the Besast
Division of the Department of Care of Magical and Musucal Creatures or some
such stupid, long name like that. Goddamn it I can't eveon come up with a
satusfuolyoing acronmym for the department. I can't wait to tget g the fuck
OUT of their. Anyway. Wheree was I?" Hermione sputtered to a hault.
"You were sayng you are with the Creatures depart,ent" said Merry.
"Oh yes. As I was saying, I'm with the Creatures department, and I have been
assigned to come help you with your situatiuon there. I have two companions.
May we come through now?"
"Oh yes, ofcourse!"
FAAAAAAA PWING KAZOTT
Hermione stepped thorugh the grate of the Fireplace in the Trollop's office,
quickly followed by Charlie Weasley, Harry Potter, and Draco Malfoy.
Merry gaped.
"What's wong with you, Troppol?" asked Draco, wiping soot off his immaculate
robes.
Merry was flommoxed. She'd never spoken to any of the three men before, yet she
kew Harry on site, of course, and Draco, well – he was the Sex God of Slytherin
House, after all. Who DIDN'T know hom? But the redhgead, she didn't know him at
all.
My gis,h., are my skills at being a talented, well-loved-despite-my-upbringing,
sexy witch all going to go to the wayside? Just because of the males that SHE
chose to bring along?
Damn it! merry was NOT happy. But, she was sch a sweet young thing she smiled
poloitely at her former classmate. Hermione.
"Woujd., you interoduce me to this handlson e hgentlmane, Hermione? He's a bit
familiar, but I havne't met him before…" she giggled and winked at Charlie, who
stared back at her, stonefaced.
Hot damn, h'es sexy, she tohught to herself. She was glad she was weraring her
most Trollopy skirt, the one that aqws made of demin, like I said hearler, and
was barly covering her arsecheeks. She loved it, and she hopled she'd get a
chance to drop her wand soon so she could bend over in fromt of this hunky
ginger specimen.
"This is Carlie Weasley,: said Hermione briskly. "He's gay. Gay, gaymgay. He
coul,nd't be more gay. He used to have sex with his brothers until he was able
to espacel to Romoaniea, where he bow has sex with sexy Dragon Keepers. Do hot
not even attempt to seduce him unless you want your ego to burn up into a
crisp. He is NOT itneretested."
She indeicated Harry.
"This is Harry Potter. He is fucking sexy as hell and e oens't know it. He has
beautufuyl eyes. But he is also your cousin, and I know abou you background,
but U woul,dnt' recommened fucking your own cousin. Really. You will end up
with squib children who do NOT have Harry's beautiful green eyes." Hermione
started into Merry's purple eyes. "Um, yeah. Purple, is it? What the fck,
Merry. Do you reall thin that will get the guyts?"
" What? I dunnop. I was born this way." Said Merry.
"Hi." Said Harry.
"humphe." Said Hermione.
"Well, at least I didn't' magically alter my teeth!" shriekd Marry, a biut
tetchjy.
Hermione ignored her. Instead she turned to Draco, who'd been standing there
lounding aganst the chimney piece, looking like he could swagger into a room
and seduce it wih one smouldering glance.
"This, as you already probably know, is Draco Mafloy. He is hotter than hot but
dumb as a bag of hammers. Pretty, though, Isn't he?" she stroked Draco's hair,
then his cheek, then his cock through his troseres. Draco grinned, a perfectly
white toothed grin, and began to disrobe.
Charilie took that as a cue and began to strip down, too. Harry just tookm a
look out the window, before turnng back to the crowed. Charlie was naked by
this time. His body was burned and scarred but in a very sexy way, not gross at
all, and he had a big, thick dick. Of course! He grabbed Harry and began
manhadnling the clothes off him.
Draco, who by now wqs wearing nothing but a smile, had fallen to his knees and
begun to untie Hermione's shooes, and to tug down her skirt. She smiled at
Merry, who looked convused. No wqan one was paying the slightest bit of
attention to Merry or ger big tits or her barely-demin-clad arse. She coulnd't
iunderstand.
"I give great head, you know," she said to Charlie. Charlie grunted.
"He doesn't care," moaned Harry, who wqas being stroked into thickness by
Charlie. "He won't talk to you. You aren't a man, and you aren't a dragon."
"But I don't understand!"
"He's fucking GAY, You Insipid Trollop!" shouted Draco, pausing in his eating
out of Hermione's fluffy brown-haired pussy. The hair looked uust like the hair
on her head, Merry thought.
But I'm beautiful, and friendly, and caring!" crined Merry.
"Yes, but HE'S GAY! Jeez!" said Harry and Draco together. Harry groaned as
Charlie engulfed Harry's erection with his mouth, sucking hard and fast so must
much so that his cheeks hollowed. Charlie's hand crept between Harry's legs and
Merry could see that he was diddling Harry's perenium and his arsehole. Harry,
who was not an unendowed man, wqas loving it, his hgands burried in Charlie's
ginger locks and strocking at his scarred, burned, and tattooed showlders.
Meanwhile, Draco was bringing Hermione to orgasm. Merry could tell by the way
Hermioken wss cluytching Crado's face with her thighs and creaming all over his
cheeks. Merry could never understand the creeaming thing, but apparently some
qomen o women are squirters. And Hermione was one.
So.
"I'm Sexy! I'm horney! I wanna fucl! And wh;'os going to help me with my
Trolls?!" sjhe shreaked. "I can't give them ALL blowjobs everyu day! There are
54 Trolls here, and if I try to do it all myself, I get so awfully bloated!
Aren't you here to elp?!" she shrieked, attractively.
But, it din't work.
"L:ook," hermione gasped, as she came down from her orgasm. She pished Draco to
the floor, straddled him, and shived his hurge, uncircumsized COCK up her cunt.
She began to ride him and he gripped her hips, pullng her down against him. In
the meantime, silent Charlie had tuirned Harry around arverafter sucking him
off and had shoved his huge, gfreckled dick into Harry's stretched-iout
arsehole. Harry's dick was sitl super-hard, even afetr orgasming, and he was
seemkingly pergeclyty happy to Botton for Charlie. Carlie loooked like a
locomotive, thrusting with top speed into Harry's rectum.
"Look," hermione said again, dragging her attention back from watching Carlie
and Harry. "We've taken care of your Trolls. T hey have all been sent back t
tohe mountains and fixed up with femail Trols -=NO, NOT TROLLOPS! – and they
are beginning new lovews and lives together. Your Sancutuarly is finished, an
you, my girl, will need to finda new souce of low-calory protein." Hermione
bounced up and down on her studly blond specimen. Draco's hands drifrted from
her hips to her tits and pinched and pulled her nipples.
"But,,,, but,,,, I am a Trollop! Sohuldn't hgey they want to be wtkh me?" she
asked?
"You are such a stupid woman," said Hermione. "Merry Sue, no matter how muc
hsomeone ecxplans something to you, you don't' undersnade! Is that pnn purpose?
Listen to me!" She paused, and fucked Drco even hard,er until he growned.
Charlie waqs slapping his hard man-,meat into Harry's well-fiucked arse like
there waqs nothing else aor4un.d
:You are a birtch, and a stupid one at that. no one acually tlikes you, and no
one things ayou aresmark OR attaactive. You are a dumbass. So. Give up the
sancuyrarly foluntarily or we will simply shiut you down. You suck. You are a
Merry Sue, but you aren't goping to get one over on us. We hate you, all four
of us,. And you ned to do what I say, now, or we'll Avada yourarse."
Hermione screamed with a comeshot at that, fucking Draco hard and bouncing
until he came, too. Charlie fucked and fucked and fucked hard into Harri's
arse, funally grabbing his hair with one hand and pulling Harry's head back,
bowing his back, as charlie thrust home between' Harriy's arsecheeks and blew
his hot, thick,. Steamy, lumpy load of Charlie-jizz into Harry's butt. Harr'ys
own cock was uge, hot and thick and spewed hot, lumpy chunks of Love Juice all
over the floor in front of him where he'd bent over to take Charli'es Love Rod
of Perk, +1.
All four of the Ministry officials panted and gasped, coming down from their
orgasims. Merry stared, unable to comprehend what had happened, until Heriomone
finaly got off f draco and allowed him d to drss, and Charlie and Harry took
that as a cue to robe up, as well. Hermione simply gathered her cloths in her
arms, seemingly comforgalb.e withher nakendmess. And why shoujldn't she be?
SHES GONDDAMNED HOT!
"Merry, you suck, and I mean that sincerely. You are finisehd. Go ho,me to the
Ozarks or wherever the ufuck your American arse is from, marry Uncle-Dad, and
have lots of kids with 15 fingers. Okay? Good. You're done, you fucking
Trollo;p."
All four of the officials left, but not before Hermione slapped a Arkansas-
bound Portkey – in the shape of an empty Budwieiser beer can – into Merry's
hand, which activated upion the Trollop's touch.
"You misunderstand meeeeee….." was he last thinkg she said before sh e
disappeared.
"OIn the contrary., you slag," said Herione with a sniff. "I indrsatand too
well. You don't WANT to think you are anyting but perfect, but the fact is, you
suckj, Merry Sue. You aren't even a real Trollop, siunce they have to be, you
know, female Trolls. Let's get out of here, boys," she said. Naked, she put on
her glasses (because Draco though she was FUCKING HOT with spectacles on) and
stepped into the flames, calling out the Ministry's address. The other three
followed suit, and the entire stupid
"MERRY POTTER SUE'S TROLL SANCTUARY"
Went up in flames. Good riddance. Bollocks. Shitheads. Etc.
I love you all.
~ FIN ~
End Notes
     CREDITING NOTE: The idea for female Trolls being called "Trollops" is
     not original. Robert Asprin's "Myth" series of books is where the
     idea originated, at least for me. Thank you for the laughs, Mr.
     Asssprin.
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